I talked in the last post about how things kind of went to shit last week. It wasn’t necessarily all bad, but it was enough to make me feel like I lost control of everything. It’s even bled into this week and I am going to admit that I do not like that feeling. I already feel like I have little in the way of control (thanks, Anxiety, for that one), so when that ever so pervasive feeling of losing any sense of control hits me it seems to hit hard. I didn’t meal plan for this week, I missed three days of gym time, and today felt like it went by way too fast for my liking. If I’m to be honest, I almost forgot about posting today until I was getting my son ready for bed.
I really need that sense of control back. I know of ways to help, but I don’t know if it will be enough. I need to get back to meal planning and setting chores for certain days and actually doing those chores. I need to get this house back in order. I need to get things in order to get back to working on my novel. I need to finish planning my vacation.
Damn, I just need my vacation to kick in already…
I’m trying to start small, but the long list of small things to do is making me want to hide at Starbucks and never leave the near-endless supply of coffee. By the way, have you tried their new triple mocha frappuccino? That thing is heaven in a cup, let me tell you. And no, I’m not getting endorsed for this. I just so happened to try it today and now I’m using it as an excuse to talk about something other than my problems.
Back to the real problem at hand, it takes very little for me to feel out of control, and even the small things that I can do to improve that feeling often look like mountains than ant hills. It’s even more harrowing when I’m trying to do all of this when my anxiety is blurring everything around me. This is why me falling out of my “routine” is bad because it’s just so hard to get back into it. Everything is hard, even something as simple as “put the dirty dishes in the sink”.
I went back to the gym today, after missing the last two days due to sleepless nights and my husband picking up a last-minute shift at work. It felt good, even if 30 minutes on the elliptical almost killed me. I think I’m going to use that as my first step in getting back on track. I’ve also ordered a nice new planner to use for next year, which I will gladly count as step two.
The third step will probably be writing up my daily/weekly to-do lists again. Planning for next week will be easy enough since I start my vacation on Tuesday. There won’t be nearly as much to work around, save for my therapy session and my son’s therapy sessions. I will only have to plan for 4.5 days of meals because we leave Thursday afternoon for vacation and won’t be back until sometime on Sunday.
Step four I suppose will be actually keeping up with the chores I wrote up a while back. I have a daily list and a weekly list. I also need to get my husband on board with this room deep-cleaning project I had in mind. Every two weeks, we pick a room in the house and just deep-clean the fuck out of it. Some rooms are definitely worse than others (my son’s room, for example), hence why I suggested every TWO weeks instead of one week. Hey, we both work. Cut us some slack.
There is likely more I should work on, but I’m already at an awful sleep deficit for the week, and trying to keep my eyes open while I type this up is proving rather difficult.
STEP FIVE: GET SOME MORE DAMN SLEEP!
I’m just going to try to stick with these steps that I have typed up so far. If I can do these, maybe my sense of control will come back to me and I can get back to my routine.
Until next time.